What to Say, What's Unsaid
by Tweede-Kans
Summary: A poem, an experiment, chronicling Jacob's thoughts when he answers Kate about what her friends died for. Spoilers slightly implied.


_**Author's Note: **_I realized several key pieces were missing here, as I've been contemplating Jacob's relationship with Illana alot over the past couple days, for some reason. And I realized I'd left out a proper nod to Ben. Several things are still very much off-canon, and I'm taking Jacob's relationship with Illana the father-daughter route (biologically, I mean) only because I think it's sweet - without puzzling over the logistics of who her mother was, of course! ;) I do like the revisions/additions, even though it ends up being slightly out-of-character in places... anyways. I'm babbling.

* * *

_"I don't really know where to start."  
_What do I say to you,  
With fleeting lives  
And existences just as tumultuous  
As mine -  
What do I say to bridge the gap  
Between the half-eternity of my days  
And the fleeting moments of yours?

Memory.  
Being young, careless,  
Brother finds a game in the sands  
And speaks like a crazy man -  
Defies what Mother's said.  
Across the sea, there are people.  
What people? More than us?  
More than the three of us  
On the island?  
Isn't the island the world?  
He fixes me with  
Maddened eyes,  
Makes me promise not  
To tell her.  
"She'll take it away."  
I watch as he leaves, and worry.  
What is this, that eats him alive?

_"I don't really know where to start."_

Remember.  
Fury boiling, blood boiling,  
The pain of my being so great  
As to multiply the pain of his.  
WHAT -  
Jump, quick, like lightning,  
Like a spark struck from flint,  
Crash against him,  
Throw him to the ground,  
Scream, raw cry, raw sound.  
Agony of the soul.  
He has stolen my world from me.  
DID -  
Stars dance before me;  
Fist catches flesh and  
Fury - FURY - erupts;  
My rage is insatiable.  
YOU -  
He coughs blood, protests;  
Ha! - feeble words, Brother;  
She gave us everything, gave us our lives,  
Gave us all of herself, her love.  
What deal did she strike,  
And with whom,  
So that we could never hurt each other?  
DO?  
Want to leave this place?  
Want to leave  
The paradise that was given?  
You chose your path;  
I had no choice in mine.  
No - I did not. How could I possibly  
Say no to her?

_What do I say to you,  
With fleeting lives  
And existences just as tumultuous  
As mine -_

Meeting Ricardus -  
Ah, my friend, Ricardus!  
How innocent you were, like me,  
And how quickly you learned, like me,  
That innocence in good measure  
Often bears awful pain.  
How the specter of my closest kin -  
Dearest Brother, how long gone,  
How much I've missed you,  
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry -  
Would take the form of your wife,  
And torture you;  
How you'd come to me with  
Half-shed tears  
And beg for me to withdraw my gift.  
Gifts, once given, are irrevocable, Ricardus.  
A thousand times, I am sorry.

_What do I say to bridge the gap…_

Again, Ricardus -  
Oh yes, again him, because he,  
The second stuck with me here,  
For however long I can keep the first at bay -  
He was good beyond measure,  
A better man than me.  
Seeing him I saw a thing that stirred me,  
Moved me, like the inexorable forces  
That shift the stars in the sky.  
So we loved. In some way, I suppose,  
It was cruel of me. So long by himself,  
How could we not somehow find such comfort?  
It was my desire,  
Not entirely his.  
But there it was - there we were -  
Come nightfall, firelight,  
Anxious breath and hands shaking,  
A tender touch or a piercing cry,  
Again - again - again -  
How many mornings, come dawn,  
Curled up by a fire, arms about the other?  
The stars, our flesh, the sands, the sea,  
These were our comforts.  
And then, once, after many years,  
I asked if I could kiss you -  
For we had never done that, though often found  
Comfort in hands and touch and movement.  
I did not say I loved you, but  
You, with eyes that saw and understood much,  
Must have seen;  
Because you left -  
And I realized you had never loved me,  
But had never told me no,  
Had gained just as much from me as I from you  
On those nights together  
Because we were so inextricably bound,  
And still -  
You had already known love, and lost it.  
Through you I, too, lost love.

_…Between the half-eternity of my days  
And the fleeting moments of yours?_

Illana, sweet daughter,  
Flesh of mine, blood of mine,  
Every moment of mine would be to love you,  
More even than Ricardus,  
Because you and I were the same, dearest one.  
How I neglected you -  
You were a pawn, in the end,  
In the end, you were nothing -  
Or were very close, yes, for how I acted,  
How I treated you,  
How I did not warn you  
That I was weary  
And longed for death, in my own way.  
Two thousand years  
Is a very, very long time, child.  
My Illana, forgive me!  
They cannot know -  
They will never know -  
Even you had sense enough  
Not to disclose truth to them.  
But oh, dearest,  
My Illana, my child,  
Flesh of mine, blood of mine -  
I weep for you,  
Yes -  
I do weep.

Benjamin.  
Name that has both  
Been blessed and cursed  
As it crossed my mind -  
Better things than any I have offered  
Will come to you.  
I remember when Illana died  
Suddenly, in that dark-between  
Of the place I found myself -  
The haunted hiding-places of the Island -  
I saw myself as kin to you,  
If only for a second.  
My pain was suddnly yours,  
Yours for when Alex died,  
Mine for Illana.  
You have twisted my words,  
My instructions,  
You have more blood on your hands  
Than I would care to reckon,  
And more lies have sprung from your lips  
Than I could fathom - for I,  
I do not lie -  
Man creates lies, man creates reality,  
What have I done, but been  
A catalyst of greater reality than yours?

Hm.

Ben, know this:  
I am sorry for your pain,  
And I would consider you,  
In some fashion,  
As much my brother  
As the monster -  
The one, once blessed,  
Whom I cursed.  
He is because of me,  
So you, too, are because of me...

(What blood have I on my hands, now?)

And John - oh, John,  
The fallibility of the human soul!  
I miss you, I miss you. You knew more  
Than even I, after so many years,  
Dreamt of knowing. Poor man,  
That was your weakness, your downfall;  
Now the specter of my brother  
Bears your face, and still your name.  
I weep, almost, for his cruelty,  
Because you - you understood.

As for the rest - all of you -  
Here, now -  
I am sorry your friends died.  
They did not die for nothing.

Kate - dear Kate, little misused, misled girl  
From a rundown store  
In a sleepy town in Iowa -  
Take good care of Aaron. And Claire.  
You _wil__l_ find her, I know.  
(Some things, I still know…)

James - good man,  
Carry always the memory of Juliet  
With you; I too know love,  
I know what it is to lose it -  
Be well, James Ford. Peace unto you.

Hugo - my thanks for your help,  
I could not have accomplished this  
Had it not been for you.  
Take good care, Hugo. Good care.  
You will get help from another,  
An unlikely one,  
Who is good - who is good, still,  
Despite the darkness so often shown.  
Nevertheless, the mantle, soon,  
_Wil__l_ be yours - and there, Hugo, is my regret:  
As I could not say no to Mother,  
You could never be asked  
To say no to Jack.  
In that I have failed, and for that I am sorry.

_Fire crackles, ashes stolen, scattered.  
Four pairs of eyes stare. Four faces,  
Fixed; some angry, some awed.  
One knows exactly what must be -  
Though he hasn't yet realized it.  
Slowly I lift my head.  
"I don't really know where to start…"_


End file.
